I am sooooo different from Linda. She is so strong in the areas I’m not: she’s neat, scheduled, and logical just to name a few. She knows how to stand her ground with rationale and accuracy. While I admire all of those amazing characteristics about her, at times they try to drive me crazy. Understandably, feeling irritated about the things that are her strengths is not very wise on my part.

I, on the other hand, am a little (maybe a lot) freer in these areas. I’m more sensing and feeling and easier to let things get a little messy. Flexibility is important to me, I’m people smart, and at times the way I function in life may not look or seem all that logical to her. That can drive her crazy, especially when it comes to working together on writing projects.

Through the help of many different assessment tools, we have both come to know each other and ourselves so much better. Understanding one another and why we behave the way we do has helped us deal with each others differences rather than drive us crazy (most of the time).

We purpose to negotiate through the difference so they don’t drive us apart. For example, I am so grateful when something that has been scheduled can be changed without it becoming such a big deal to her. For her, she appreciates it when I keep the planned schedules and not make last minute changes. How in the world do two worlds come together without colliding?

1. Understanding that neither one of us is trying to be hurtful to the other.

2. Understand what feels like a weakness could actually be your friend’s strength.

Don’t try to fix your friend or change them to be more like you. Let them be fully who they are and enjoy the differences each friend brings to the friendship.

Sickness can be a friend stopper, if you let it.

Kathy: Just like physical “sickness” tries to keep us from our game of tennis, psychological issues try to disrupt our friendship. Growing up, I struggled with low self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, and feeling like I could not be a good friend. I let that stop me from having a friend because I did not think I was capable. Those things don’t go away quickly and can rob you of fun and fruitful relationships. I had to do some surgery deep down inside to bring health to myself and to my friendship with Linda.

Don’t wait till you are “all that” to become someone’s friend.

Linda: I too, had some “sickness” that I had to work through, because let’s face it; we are all messed up to some degree or another. But we encourage you to go ahead and jump into friendship, even if you are not “all that”! If you wait until you are perfect, can love at ALL times, be patient in ALL times, forgive at ALL times, etc, etc, you will never experience friendship. Go ahead and start engaging, just like we do when we play tennis. We play when we are sick and we play when we are healthy. Otherwise, we would miss out on precious times together.

Don’t let sickness stop you, keep playing while you are taking your relationship medicine.

We have compiled a short list of resources and helps that can bring health to you and ultimately your friendship.

Medicine for Your Friendship:

This is one of our all time favorite books on friendship. It covers all of the basics from deepening your friendship to cultivating it. A classic and an easy read:

The Friendship Factor: How to Get Closer to the People You Care for by Alan Loy McGinnis 

If you are stuck in a conflict with your friend and can’t find your way out, this book will show you how to lay out what is bugging you in a productive way:

How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding: With Your Spouse, Adult Child, Boss, Coworker, Best Friend, Parent, or Someone You’re Dating by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

When you need to apologize but need help with the “how”:

The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas

This book can be applied to any relationship that needs a fix. Dr. Phil really delivers:

Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner by Phillip C. McGraw

You are so different from your friend; learn why the two of you may see and do things so uniquely:

The Four Elements of Success: A Simple Personality Profile that will Transform Your Team by Laurie Beth Jones

Everyone needs good boundaries in friendship; this will give you an edge in knowing what is a healthy boundary and when you have blown it:

Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

So, please don’t wait till you are in total psychological health before you engage in friendship, or you’ll never have friends! Even if you’re not in total “health”, you can still enjoy friendship with someone. We play tennis to the extent that our sickness will allow. Same in friendship. We will be friends to the extent that the sickness will allow. If you don’t, you will miss out!

Linda: Kathy taught me how to play tennis years ago (well, she sorta taught me how to play . In my “beginner days” I had no control of the ball. Whacking it hard and blasting it over the fence was a normal occurrence. We wasted a lot of time retrieving balls. She spent more time running after balls than she did volleying with me because I didn’t know how to play. I’m so glad she didn’t give up on me. It would have been easier for her to find a more experienced player than to patiently hang in there till I learned how to volley.

Friendship seems similar to the game of tennis. You want to stay in the game, keep the ball in motion and better yet win. But when you’re with “Stupid” it’s hard to keep the ball in play; both in tennis and in friendship. (Because you probably want to just give up and quit.) Longer volleys on the court and in friendship require two valuable things.

Let us show you two ways you can deal with a friend who acts “Stupid” and still keep your friendship going.

1. Staying in the game.

Kathy: It was worth it; worth chasing the balls to play the game with my friend. If I had given up, we probably wouldn’t be playing tennis as regularly as we do today. The more we stay in the game, the more volleying, the more fun. Better yet, the volleying gets longer and longer.

Staying in the friendship is a must if you want to win at friendship. The more you play, the better you get at the game of friendship. The very idea of sticking together gives you opportunity to work through the stupid stuff. So have a heart to stay in the game.

2. Sharpening your skills.

Linda: Now that I have been playing tennis for over 10 years, I sometimes beat her little hind end! Not always, but sometimes! And that’s because I have learned new skills. I no longer whack the ball over the fence (unless I’m ticked off). I can even serve on the first try! But here’s the thing, you HAVE to KEEP playing in order to sharpen your skills.

Tennis pros don’t quit when they mess up. They keep at it so they can sharpen their skills and learn new ones that make them even better. They practice, practice, practice! This is true in the game of friendship as well. You must practice the skills that make you a good friend.

If you need to learn some new skills that will help you win in your friendship, check out some of these resources.

If you need help communicating, We recommend Dr. Phil McGraw’s book, Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner

If you need new skills in handling anger, this is a great read, by Gary Chapman, Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way

If you need help crafting an apology, we suggest, The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships, by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas.

If you need help working through forgiveness, consider this book, Forgiveness…the Ultimate Miracle (Fortune, Family & Faith Series) by Paul J. Meyer.

If you need help in handling conflict, this is a classic by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You’ve Been Avoiding

When your friend suddenly turns “stupid” on you, remember these two things:

Staying in the game and learning new skills will give you a friendship that lasts like a long volley.

We are still recovering from the tightness in our abdomens after 30 minutes of non stop laughter last week. There we were, sitting on the front row of a middle school montage performance. You know, kids trying to dance, act, sing – but what it really was, was comic relief at its best! We felt like rolling on the floor laughing hysterically. We almost did. Walking away we discovered, “Wow, we needed that!” Stress and anxiety from the day melted away.

Laugh at Yourself

Kathy: There have been so many times we have found ourselves laughing over the craziest things. They weren’t really that funny, but maybe they were. Usually we get a kick over the nutty things we each do. Mostly Linda is laughing at my ridicules antics. That makes me laugh. It’s a good thing to be able to laugh at yourself over the eccentric things you do.

Every day in the type of work we do, we have the opportunity to care for people who are dealing with difficulties. As professional counselors, we walk along side people who are dealing with some type of loss. Such as death, sudden sickness, terminal illness, disappointment, and marriage struggles just to name a few. It can be quite taxing. So if we are not careful, all this tough stuff can drain us dry.

I’m sure you have tough days as well…It seems when it rains it pours. Has it been pouring on you lately? Buckets you say?

Because of this, many times at the end of the day we don’t even have energy left for our families and one another. Drained to the max. That’s not the best way to run our lives.

A Cheerful Heart is Good For You

Here’s what we purpose to do – not let the tough stuff of life drain us dry. How? “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” We want strength and we are sure you do too. So a cheerful heart it is. In the midst of rain let the sun shine in. Laugh a little or better yet, laugh a lot.

Ways to add laughter to your life:

1. Be willing to laugh at your self and the silly things you do.
2. Don’t take yourself too too seriously. Lighten up!
3. Search You Tube for videos of people laughing. It’s contagious! Watch this one:  DxGri1IDBL8
4. Find some good clean comedy on TV (or at your local middle school!).
5. Read something that will crack you up! (comics, jokes, your own memoirs!)
6. Watch reruns of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Check this clip out: i479N2ei8Us
7. Go to a fun movie.
8. Spend time with a 2 year old.
9. Find something, anything to laugh about!

Coaching Tip:

When it seems like the tough stuff is draining you dry, get laughing. It can be the sun to your rain shower.

Let us rock your world for a bit as we mess with what might be your definition of the word, “friend”.

First off, here’s what the dictionary says: “Friend: a person one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection…” But we have discovered that the term “friend” is often used to describe a variety of relationships like neighbors, classmates, teammates, coworkers, even family members. We could scream: “LIAR!” What?! Are they neighbors or friends? They may be classmates but does that automatically make them your friends? Or, they might play on your team, but is that enough to qualify them as your friend?

What are people really saying when they say things like: “My sister is my best friend.”, “My husband is my best friend.”, or “My mother is my best friend.”? What does that mean to people? Can you really be best buddies with your sister? Husband? Mother? If you think so, we challenge you to think again.

Here’s our thought – whatever dynamic in the relationship is bigger than the rest that is what defines it. For example, two sisters can have a close bond and enjoy doing all kinds of stuff together but that doesn’t make them best friends. Yes, their relationship can have elements of friendship within it, but the fact that they are sisters holds a unique significance beyond friendship. True, a spouse could be your closest companion but that doesn’t necessarily mean they are your best friend. A parent may still be a friend to their child, but the parent/child relationship is the primary focus even though it can have an element of friendship.

When the friendship dynamic is bigger than the other dynamics of the relationship, that’s when it can be defined as a “friendship”.

Tell us what you think.

Show Up with the Right Stuff

Playing tennis is one of our favorite things to do together. It’s super fun, super exhilarating, and super competitive…not really, but we both do like to win! Today I (Kathy) arrived on the court without my trusty winning racket. However, I knew Linda would have extra stuff in her tennis bag. She always comes prepared with ample supply. She even had new tennis balls today. Borrowing one of her spare rackets, I purposed to do my best but it was awkward, clumsy, and not my own.

I (Linda) felt bad for Kathy because she wasn’t on her game and it was probably because of the strange racket. It was one of my old ones. Feeling like I had an unfair advantage over her, I offered her my racket. It was newer, lighter, and better. And if I was going to win, I wanted to win fair and square! I wanted us to be on level playing ground so I kept offering not once, or even twice, but three times I begged her to switch rackets with me. No go. She can be more stubborn than I at times. She assured me that she would come back, and that she did.

(Kathy) Linda was doing a good job of beating me and I wanted to break her momentum. I yelled, “Hey I’m going to try one of your other rackets.” My hope was that it would give me back my edge. It didn’t work, so back to the racket I started with. Surprisingly, I won a game. Then another game, then another, and yes, I won the whole deal!

(Linda) Ok, she beat me bad! I couldn’t figure out where I went down hill. The first four games I was hitting every shot and placed it exactly where I wanted it. But crazy enough, I lost my mojo after she switched rackets. Analyzing this we came to realize that I had a wee bit of mercy kick in when I offered to give her my racket! I was concerned about the unfair advantage I had over her and wanted to make it right. Since she didn’t take me up on it, I started playing so differently and totally opposite of the way I started out.

(Kathy) All the time I was playing I was thinking about the significance of having the right stuff not only for the game but for my friendship with Linda. If I don’t “show up” with the right stuff for the friendship, I am not on my game – I’m handicapped. The stuff needed for a friendship is love, kindness, thoughtfulness, acceptance, forgiveness, etc, as found in I Corinthians 13. Without these things in my hand and heart, Linda then tries to compensate for what I lack in the game because I placed her in a precarious predicament. Now she’s not on her full game. She’s challenged to get the ball back with my handicap in mind.

(Linda) When Kathy doesn’t show up for our friendship with the right stuff (like that sweetness that normally oozes out of her, or the understanding that she usually has) I sometimes react in a weird way. I know in my head I need to respond right, but when the ball is in play that can be difficult and I sometimes lose it. It’s not easy to return the love when someone doesn’t show up with the right stuff.

(Kathy) I want to remember my tennis racket for both of us to play at our best and I want to remember the stuff it takes to have a winning friendship. With God’s help we can cultivate these things. It takes work, practice, and maybe a little sweat, but in the end we will have a winning friendship.

Coaching tip: Show up to your friendship with all the right stuff.

Ever watched a cat chase a mouse? Got the image in your mind? Now imagine two friends playing a cat and mouse game. Here’s why – I chased Kathy like a cat in hot pursuit of a mouse until she decided to be my friend. Really! She would scamper across the room like a little mouse going back into her hole when I would get too close. Then when I would see her little head pop out I’d try to stop her from going back into her hole. Squeaking and trembling, she finally gave in and decided to be my friend.

When Kathy and I first began our friendship I was the “pursuer” and she was the “distancer”. I pursued her for a friendship; I initiated most of the connections and I did everything I knew to secure a friendship with her. She, being the distancer, would run from me, hide at times, and complain I was smothering her because she was afraid of a close friendship.

I was drawn to Kathy for reasons beyond my understanding. I wanted a closely connected friendship with her because I knew she was good stuff and I wanted her as a friend. Little known fact: I go after what I want!! Had she not been so difficult to catch, I wouldn’t have been as persistent. I do love a challenge and that she was!

Kathy: Yes I was difficult! I was not familiar with all that was coming at me. I felt stressed and anxious at times not knowing how to “behave” in a friendship this close. If she hadn’t hung on for the fight, I would have been left hanging without her friendship. However, the very thing that made me afraid was what I really longed for – a closely connected friend. Thank goodness, she didn’t quit.

Linda: Not giving up on Kathy was the very thing she needed even though it appeared she hated it so much. She ran because she didn’t feel safe enough to connect. But she would never feel safe until she allowed herself to be in a relationship where connecting was necessary. She put off all kinds of signals that screamed: “Leave me alone, I’ll be your friend, but not as close as you want me to be.” Yet deep down inside that was the very thing she craved. Little by little she came out of her hole and distanced herself less and less. Eventually she allowed me to become her closest friend.

Adults can do some crazy things because they didn’t get all of their emotional needs met as a child. In order to get their needs met they may do the exact opposite of what they really want. Check out the following example of the “pursuer” and the “distancer”:

Pursuer: “If I don’t grab you as you go by, I will be lost.”

Their conscious wish: “Don’t leave.”

Their unconscious wish: The ability to enjoy space.

Distancer: “If I explore intimacy with you I will be absorbed.”

Their conscious wish is: “Give me space!”

Their unconscious wish is: To connect consistently.

If these dynamics sound familiar to you and your friend, hang on. Let the cat and mouse chase continue. Eventually the chase will work to your advantage if you let it and both of you will have your unconscious needs met. Today, we are much healthier. Kathy no longer needs to distance herself from me because she has received what she really wanted all along – to connect consistently. And I no longer have to pursue her like I did because she is not going anywhere. I know she will always be my friend. This cat got the mouse!

Friend Coaching Tip: Stay in the chase and let it grow you.

Have you ever played a game with someone only to find they have changed the rules without telling you?  You cry foul and begin to whine, “Hey, wait a minute…that’s not the way we learned to play the game!”  Who changed the rules?  They did – and forgot to tell you.  But in the back of their minds they’re thinking, “Yes, this is how we play now.  Get with it!”

Linda: Great! But I didn’t know the rules had changed.  So even recently, when Kathy’s sister was in town, I was still playing by the old rules.  I didn’t call her, I didn’t text her, I just gave her what I had in the past…LOTS of space. The problem with that was, she no longer wanted or needed lots of space BUT I was not clued in.

This brings up an important piece of information for any of you in a friendship.  You must, must, must, as we have learned – REVISIT the rules and do so quite frequently.  Here’s why.  People change.  People grow.  For that reason, the rules of the game change.  And if you’re still playing by the old rules…everyone loses.  She didn’t get what she needed, connection with me, her best friend. And I didn’t get what I needed, connection with her, my best friend.  I was trying to give her what I thought she needed.  Lesson learned.  We shall often, from here on out, revisit the rules of the game; to see if either of us has changed them.

Friend Coaching Tip: Revisit the rules and do so quite frequently.

When your friend is sad your first reaction might be to cheer them up, right? BAD idea. Wanna know how you can really help? Watch the clip.